Sometimes you scare me, but I'll come around to you.

I've been learning a lot about how to love yourself so that when someone admirable comes along, I would still be able to compose myself with healthy self-esteem whether rejected or reciprocated. But it's a lot harder to apply so than simply going out there.

Earlier today, I had the chance to talk to somebody who I've found attractive for quite some time now. After I dropped by a bookstore to consign 5Y, I saw him at PHAN alone and on his laptop. I really wanted to talk to him, but instead I ran to the bathroom to hide for five minutes before proceeding upstairs. I kind of hate myself for it... Why do I always deny myself of something that could actually be good? Something that could help me build my character instead of stay as the shy girl all the time?

But something good happened today though. I got to teach a one on one art class for this young girl I've been friends with for a long time. I taught her about expressing herself through art, and about how Van Gogh showed his true self through the artwork he made as well.

I later on went home and finished a piece I was working on for about a month--it's a big 12x18 piece called "Hold Yourself While Letting Go." I think now more than ever, I need to attend to what I feel instead of push my feelings away. I've been like this forever, and for once, I'd like to express what I feel and not be ashamed of it.

Maybe I'll find a way to be myself someday. I just don't know why it's taking forever to take me there.