The prison.

Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't think I've forgotten about this song.

And as I see it, I don't think I ever will.

And it's really been a long time since I sat down and got to listen to it good and get goosebumps with every drop of the piano keys. It's just that when it got to that line, it really made me think.

Earlier my dad came into my room while I was working on my Statistics homework.

"Hi girl, how are you?"

"I'm all right, papa. Just doing homework."

"I love you."

Kissed me on the forehead and left.

And then I remembered what happened earlier today. I was called to the office and into the conference room in the office, sat down with our school's vice-principal and talked to her about how my first trimester at TSMS has been.

When she asked, "So what do you think of your classmates?" I at first had no idea what to say.

I wanted to say that I got fed up with most of them. I wanted to say I feel stupid because of them because I speak English, and when they talk to me in English, they literally mock the accent, the wording, pronunciation, everything. I wanted to say I can't relate to them at all. I wanted to say I'd rather be homeschooled than stay here seven hours and fifteen minutes a day.

But I considered how much money and how hard it was to get me here, so I said, "I'm still having difficulty fitting in."

And then she asked, "So are you staying here for fourth year?"

When I said, "Yes," I wanted to cry.

Trust me, I don't hate that place. It's just that I can't blend in at all.

Isolation is good, not conforming to the box is good, but when people start to talk to you, when they try to influence you, and when it annoys you, you don't know what to do.

When my dad kissed me on the forehead and said, "I love you," I looked at my Statistics homework and thought, 

 

"Why am I doing this when I could be safe here at home everyday? I could be watching Law & Order: SVU during break than take Lorra's obsessive rants about the guy she likes and Klyde's jokes. I could be having fun with my brother instead of watching everyone talk to one another and not being able to relate at all.

I could be drawing something without people always watching me draw and distracting me."

I'm missing out on so much.

And I've got three more months of this. If school's a prison, summer would be my parole, and then serving ten more months in the steel cage of stupid faces.

I just feel so broken. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to crawl up somewhere, hide, never come out.

Outward loneliness doesn't exist, but inward loneliness does. The weight of the two hanging on your shoulders is just unbearable--I'd rather be completely alone than carry both.