Don't be sad, Miss Lani.
The year's ending, and finally I've found myself convinced that this has, indeed, been one of the best years of my life as we know it.
It's been a fantastic year, really, and honestly I don't want it to end just yet. I wish it could be this way forever--life spent drawing to my heart's content, playing uncoolishly cool at school, hanging out with people who finally accept me for who I am, making monthly soundtracks & staying true to my idealist/non-conformist/starving artist self and finally defining myself as a human in this world.
But then as the light may finally be coming in through my little corner of the world, it's only getting a little darker on the end of someone else's universe.
During Health class, which was our final period of the day & purely meant for re-checking our P.E. & Health exams, Teacher Lani suddenly exploded in anger when everyone in the class became outrageously loud. Sure, they did shut up somehow, but I was disappointed in everybody all at the same time. You'd think that they'd at least pay some respect to T. Lani by being quiet for a little while; but then again you'd think wrong.
And the thing was, when the day was over, no one even apologized to her. They'd say goodbye, they'd wave, they'd clean up (well, maybe a little), then they'd leave. But no one would apologize.
I have reached this degree of closeness with T. Lani to the point where I could open up to her about anything. She would do the same, and we'd help each other out, giving advice & words of encouragement when either one of us needed some to get by. And so seeing everyone leave without even offering a single ounce of sorries was dreadful for me to watch.
And so I decided to stick around for a little while. I needed to forget that the bus was probably waiting for me downstairs. Forget that I had a Physics assignment to type out. Forget I needed to review for the USTET later within the day.
Forget that I was just another student--forget that T. Lani was just any other teacher.
So I asked her, "T. Lani, are you all right?"
She'd smile back at me with a little glint in her eyes and a meek voice that said, "I'm okay," but with a shakiness in her voice that screamed, "I'm anything but okay."
I knew she was really sad. Sure, my classmates were always loud & almost indifferent as they always were, and T. Lani was always kind enough to remember it one moment & forget about it the next, but I knew something wasn't right.
As if a dam had burst, T. Lani opened up completely about how she felt toward my classmates. She hated feeling insulted because of a certain issue earlier when so many people were shouting all at once just to correct her on one measly little mistake she made in checking (which we shouldn't have even minded anyway), in the way everyone reacted toward her having to raise her voice just to get everyone's attention, and how she felt that nobody paid any amount of respect to her. She told me how she felt left out, especially being our adviser, and at the same time feeling like she didn't belong with us because no one would listen to her.
And then I suddenly remembered how I felt the exact same way last year. I remember crying for evenings at a time because I felt like I didn't belong--like I was the new kid no one was interested in or the quiet, obedient student no one but T. Bel noticed.
I realized I've been so grateful for life for so long, I've almost forgotten what it must be like to feel like a fish out of water again.
But after all, I knew what it felt like not to have anyone listen to you. I knew exactly what T. Lani meant when she felt as if no one wanted to listen or getting very upset when everyone was so rude.
And so I said to her, "I think that's really how it is, especially in high school. Some students will listen, some won't,
but rest assured, whatever happens, T. Lani, I'll always be here to listen to you."
I rode the school bus going home, replaying over & over in my head all we talked about. I was hoping my words gave comfort to T. Lani, and I knew she deserves at least a little something nice to be said of her. But she deserves more than just kind words--more than anything I could ever say.
I've realized for myself a long time ago that when I finally leave TSMS, I'd miss every good thing I've ever accomplished over there--one of the best things was meeting T. Lani. I wish I could be there all the time to show her just how much I appreciate her as a teacher & a dear friend. But of course, I can't be sure--can words really be enough?
It's been a fantastic year, really, and honestly I don't want it to end just yet. I wish it could be this way forever--life spent drawing to my heart's content, playing uncoolishly cool at school, hanging out with people who finally accept me for who I am, making monthly soundtracks & staying true to my idealist/non-conformist/starving artist self and finally defining myself as a human in this world.
But then as the light may finally be coming in through my little corner of the world, it's only getting a little darker on the end of someone else's universe.
During Health class, which was our final period of the day & purely meant for re-checking our P.E. & Health exams, Teacher Lani suddenly exploded in anger when everyone in the class became outrageously loud. Sure, they did shut up somehow, but I was disappointed in everybody all at the same time. You'd think that they'd at least pay some respect to T. Lani by being quiet for a little while; but then again you'd think wrong.
And the thing was, when the day was over, no one even apologized to her. They'd say goodbye, they'd wave, they'd clean up (well, maybe a little), then they'd leave. But no one would apologize.
I have reached this degree of closeness with T. Lani to the point where I could open up to her about anything. She would do the same, and we'd help each other out, giving advice & words of encouragement when either one of us needed some to get by. And so seeing everyone leave without even offering a single ounce of sorries was dreadful for me to watch.
And so I decided to stick around for a little while. I needed to forget that the bus was probably waiting for me downstairs. Forget that I had a Physics assignment to type out. Forget I needed to review for the USTET later within the day.
Forget that I was just another student--forget that T. Lani was just any other teacher.
So I asked her, "T. Lani, are you all right?"
She'd smile back at me with a little glint in her eyes and a meek voice that said, "I'm okay," but with a shakiness in her voice that screamed, "I'm anything but okay."
I knew she was really sad. Sure, my classmates were always loud & almost indifferent as they always were, and T. Lani was always kind enough to remember it one moment & forget about it the next, but I knew something wasn't right.
As if a dam had burst, T. Lani opened up completely about how she felt toward my classmates. She hated feeling insulted because of a certain issue earlier when so many people were shouting all at once just to correct her on one measly little mistake she made in checking (which we shouldn't have even minded anyway), in the way everyone reacted toward her having to raise her voice just to get everyone's attention, and how she felt that nobody paid any amount of respect to her. She told me how she felt left out, especially being our adviser, and at the same time feeling like she didn't belong with us because no one would listen to her.
And then I suddenly remembered how I felt the exact same way last year. I remember crying for evenings at a time because I felt like I didn't belong--like I was the new kid no one was interested in or the quiet, obedient student no one but T. Bel noticed.
I realized I've been so grateful for life for so long, I've almost forgotten what it must be like to feel like a fish out of water again.
But after all, I knew what it felt like not to have anyone listen to you. I knew exactly what T. Lani meant when she felt as if no one wanted to listen or getting very upset when everyone was so rude.
And so I said to her, "I think that's really how it is, especially in high school. Some students will listen, some won't,
but rest assured, whatever happens, T. Lani, I'll always be here to listen to you."
I rode the school bus going home, replaying over & over in my head all we talked about. I was hoping my words gave comfort to T. Lani, and I knew she deserves at least a little something nice to be said of her. But she deserves more than just kind words--more than anything I could ever say.
I've realized for myself a long time ago that when I finally leave TSMS, I'd miss every good thing I've ever accomplished over there--one of the best things was meeting T. Lani. I wish I could be there all the time to show her just how much I appreciate her as a teacher & a dear friend. But of course, I can't be sure--can words really be enough?